I Have Come Far
I have come far, my friend.
My journey took me places
I never wish to see again.
I have screamed at the sight of wild beasts
who lay in wait for me
eager to sink jagged teeth
into my tender flesh.
Cried as the demons surrounded me
their eyes flashing wickedly
as they held out gargoyle claws
and demanded a piece of my soul.
clutched at the vines of doubt
as they wrapped around me
squeezing at my life
and I fought for every breath.
There were times I knew I would die there.
There were times I begged to die.
But I have not come this far
or to hand over what I am
to the hordes of malicious meat-eaters
who try to drown me in self-doubt.
I have returned.
And I am here, my friend,
to tell you that I heard you.
in the abyss that my mind became
you whispered to me
spurred my feet to move
and pulled me along
with your own ropes of belief
in a faith I had lost
in a person I did not think I would be again.
I am here,
and I am whole.
And I have come far, my friend,
traveling through this tunnel
never thought I'd see a light
my feet are bruised and bleeding
and the darkness voided my sight
touch the wall beside me
feel the edge of broken dreams
wipe my blood upon my dress
as my throat chokes back a scream
plodding steadily onward
through the maze of disbelief
in love, or me, or anyone
my only friend's been grief
but every circle comes around
to the place it was before
and no matter how long your tunnel is
you'll somehow come to a door
perhaps you'll see it way up there
and run to open it wide
maybe you'll crawl the last few feet
with searing pain in your side
but sooner or later we all stand there
at the end of our own black hole
strong in a way 'cause we made it through
yet weak like a newborn foal
and as i finally stand in front
of the exit from this place
i say farewell to this dungeon dark
as the light touches my face.
When you have come to the place
where your faith is all but gone
trying to hang on to whatever it is
that you think you have left
because you love the color
of your son's eyes.
looking back and taking stock
in a life that was maybe better
yet knowing you don't have the guts
to make it all stop
because you'd miss your baby's laugh,
if nothing else.
too afraid of what people would say
"too weak, too cowardly, too.."
feeling as though you're hanging
by the proverbial thread
but your fingernails aren't long enough
to grasp the end anymore
and you're slipping farther
than you ever thought you could.
day in, day out
but the speed of the rollercoaster
they're taking you on
something about you
ruins everyone you get close to
and the salt of your tears
is the most common taste in your mouth
but the thing that frightens you most
is that you know you're not in control
and you wonder if you ever were.
Walls With No Gates
don't come near me.
just because you can't see the wall
doesn't mean you won't hit it.
no, there's no gate where you can get in.
i built over that long ago.
why are there different kinds of brick?
well, i had to add on a few times.
don't bother getting comfortable outside, either
i get nervous when people stay
soon they all want in
and i'll never let that happen
because they trash the place.
oh, don't tell me that crap
I can too stay in here forever.
I have everything I need here.
well, let's put it this way -
if I don't have it now, i don't need it
and i sure don't want to go outside and get it.
i know you're not asking to move inside permanently
but i don't allow visitors either.
it's a mess in here,
can't seem to get the place cleaned up
from the last person I let in.
and don't think if you hang out here long enough
that i'll ever let you in.
you think you're the first person
to bring flowers for my window?
Sorry. You're not.
Can you leave now?
you are worth nothing without me.
everything you are is what i have given you.
stupid, ignorant words
yet when they fall like acid
from the lips of your beloved
you are forced to look around you
and see what is there -
not what you want it to be.
in that instant of realization
you are stripped of everything
the colors drained from the cute little life
you've painted for yourself
and suddenly, the black and white
too stark for you to deal with
how could you have not seen
these fatal flaws in the design?
oh, you painted over them.
bright, brilliant colors
layer upon layer
And the green that made them think of emerald fields
was for the endless nights spent crying
until your eyes screamed for rest
and your lungs were too tired to sob anymore
the red strokes
those are for the hours spent
so angry you frightened yourself
so full of rage you questioned your sanity
and no one knew
you're too embarrassed to admit
you made yet another wrong choice
so you paint again.
Sphere of My Soul
no one's ever seen inside this
(can't let them ever)
fragile sphere i hold
no one's ever reached out to
touch past the outer wounds
(I know it's ugly but)
to the shimmering colors within
the barely burning flame of hope
(can I still believe?)
that wavers yet never dies
(Do I dare to dream this?)
wish someone would
(god i wish you would)
but i guess i'm damaged goods now.
soft spoken words
(can't believe this)
and love songs you sang
(you saw this and you're still here)
warmed and nurtured it
(you're still reaching farther)
healed the cuts until all that is left
(you've been hurt too?)
are the thin white scars
(can I touch yours?)
the reminder of what i was,
with the overlay of what could be
(I'm afraid to think of it all!)
think i love you
but i'm scared
you think i'm mixed up,
(I need you to.)
so here I stand before you
(looking down at the ground)
i hold my soul in bl
hmm. i'm still in my life.
still sitting here in this skin
wondering if I will ever get out.
not really sure if I need to
let's try this again - I got sidetracked.
why do i write "dear diary"?
who am I writing to?
not like I have someone
who will read this and think,
what a profound person.
it's not like anyone cares to see
what's in my head
this paper full of worthless crap I write.
dear whoever you are.
guess I'm writing to myself.
probably could, since I don't even know
who i am
what I want.
feel better around strangers...
you can be who you want.
not who you are.
who'd want to be that?
maybe if I knew who I was,
i'd be that.
can i be you?
are you worth being?
be something else for a while
want to slide out of my skin
like a snake
slither into another
and taste the edges with my tongue
or maybe not.
maybe i'll just finish this stupid thing
i'm trying to write.